In memoriam

Dear X,


Please forgive me for not thinking about you as often as I used to - I did not forget, but merely had too much on my mind, too much to take care of, and all those thoughts simply overwhelmed my already troubled head... This is for you, to show you that I still remember, that everything is still in my memory, as if only a few days have passed...


Do you remember that time in kindergaten, when I broke my arm, and the next day, how everyone started writing and drawing stuff on my plaster? Or how much fun it was when that mouse scared the hell out of everyone, and when I eventually caught it, how everybody was fleeing in all directions, like the end of the world was coming? Or how I used to throw those cheese slices we would receive for breakfast under the table, and the punishments I would get when it was discovered?...


Do you remember that first girl we both fell in love with, but to whom neither of us had the courage to approach? Now, if I think back then, a bitter sweet melancholy envelops me...
Do you know that I met her again a few days ago? But the funny thing is that now, I see her differently, maybe it's something I've seen in her, something which I dislike... I don't know what it is, but the thing is that she didn't even recognize me anymore...didn't, or wouldn't - I guess we'll never get to know that...


Do you remember how my folks reacted the first time I wanted to spend the night at your place? And how they denied me from ever seeing you again, trying to control everything: my friends, the time I should've spent at school, and come home straight away, as if I was a secluded child with no freedom...


Do you remember that first movie we ever saw at a cinema? That horror, when everybody was shaking in their seat, and I was laughing like crazy... I guess I always had a thing for horrors, and an eye for details...but later realizing this...


Do you remember my face expression, or what I said to you, as you were slowly slipping out of existence? Know that I do remember your last words, before and after that maniac ran you over with his fancy car, but didn't even slow down, to see what happened...


Please forgive me for not participating at your funeral, but I couldn't bare to have that last image of you printed in my mind; you are there, and you will have your place forever...
Do you know that, from the next night, I saw a star shining brighter than usual, and I felt like that was the new you? I don't know if it is for real, or it was simply my inability to let you go, but every time I go to bed, I scour the night sky in search for that one star...



Know that I still remember - not everything, but the most important moments - and that I will never forget...
Strangely, I feel as if you have been watching me this whole time...

So this memorial is dedicated to you; wherever you are, I hope and pray that you are well, and most importantly, that you are not alone - it is not fair to bare that loneliness alone... Sooner or later, I will be accompanying you; but until that happens, I still have to live the life that you were too early denied from...





In loving memory of X.